Fantasy Figurines Allege Fraud

Roberta Busenberg and Man-Wizard whine from the top of Bray Tower on Mt Tom which stands in myst between Easthampton and Holyoke, Massachusetts.

EASTHAMPTON — Two figurines are claiming that Tiny Dragon is a fake. Roberta Busenberg and Man-Wizard announced that “Tiny so-called Dragon is not a regulation table-top miniature!” For three hours the two screamed into a breeze and flapped air quotes with their fingers while a group of local raptors circled the tower.

“I have been in fantasy-reality since 1977” said Busenberg, “and I have never seen this so-called dragon until last week.”

Man-Wizard added “She is not an authentic table-top miniature, and she is not a dragon. She may be a counterfeit gryphon. Her wings are not normal.”

“Forget normal” chucked Busenberg, “her entire assembly is ugly. Plus, she is not made of natural metal.” The man-wizard explained “She is made from a material we call plastic which burns to a foul cinder. She could not light tobacco, much less be a dragon. We are calling upon the entire gaming world from the top of this high, vapour enveloped tower.”

The World, as it is laid from Bray Tower to the West.
Busenberg and Man-Wizard climb Bray Tower.

Busenberg and Man-Wizard are vintage table-top gaming figurines. They are cast of an imprecise lead alloy and sculpted in the imprecise and archaic scale of 1:72ish which allows one meager inch for a five to seven foot tall magic man. They live by the harsh conventions of table-top war games in which every New-English garden is a tableaux of combat and carnage.

“We are made of lead” explained Man-Wizard, “If hit very hard we may change the shape of our leaden skull, but more so we are very, very dense. We  resist change at all costs and intend to win everything.”

Within hours Tiny D held a press conference on the disco mezzanine of her BMX training facility. “Sure, I know her,” she replied when asked about Busenberg.

Tiny D speaks with reporters while Redbird works out.

“Do you know what’s lead poisoning? Busenberg’s entire brain is lead. Have you tried to call her? Half her reception is always blocked. Also, she’s got so much bismuth and tin that two hundred degrees will toast her marshmallow, and I’m talking Fahrenheit. She can’t make a muffin. Same goes for that son-of-a-bullet wizard.”

As Tiny D spoke, the celebrity-ornament Redbird was practicing in the background, riding in fast circles. He is featured in the new roadshow, Butterfly Wheels.

“If they want to believe I’m some kind of vinyl” continued Tiny D, “then they are welcome to come and roll a couple of dodecahedral dice in my front yard and find out what is hi-temperature silicone.

“Don’t think this is bad lipstick all over my face, because you would be sorry because it’s fire and blood.”

And hey, regarding if am I a gryphon, who says I’m 1:72ish scale? I am not 1:72ish scale. I am two millimeter scale which makes my beer can alone equal to eight feet tall. I stand twenty-two feet when you punch the numbers and I’m pretty sure that’s a dragon. Again, my yard is open if they want to find out.”

Tiny D was asked why her wings are not normal, as previously observed by Busenberg’s Man-Wizard. “Don’t think this is bad lipstick all over my face” she calmly replied, “because you would be sorry because it’s fire and blood.”

Redbird practices fast circles on his Sunday bike. He stars in the new road show Butterfly Wheels.

Redbird cruised up to the disco mezzanine. “Did you know,” he asked, “that miniature models make sapience possible? It takes a handful of worlds to really make it happen. I can’t explain it. I just work from magical show to magical show.”

“Yeah” added Tiny D, “I exactly just said what he’s telling you — fire and blood.”

Note: At press time Busenberg was pressing west on Route 141 towards Nashuannuck Pond and Cottage Street. Security for Butterfly Wheels has not been increased, not even a tiny bit.

Redbird on a Sunday! BMX stunt show to tour Micro-New England


Redbird does a Miami Hop. He came out for some sunshine on the Nashawannuck Pond guard rail to announce his new freestyle road show.

MICRO-NEW ENGLAND —  Sunshine Butterfly is the new freestyle road show starring local celebrity Redbird. Redbird twirled on a sparkling finger-bike made by Sunday during the opening gala at Nashawannuk Pond. The show theme song  Everybody’s Riding 1:18 Scale Finger-Bikes Because That’s What Size We Are was performed by Tree Angel and Klothespin Krewe.

“We’re really happy!” beamed Redbird taking a break, “It’s a great show and we’ll be taking it to the towns and roadside snack shacks of western New England. Come out and see us! Maybe have a french fry or a piece of popcorn.”

Sunshine Butterfly is partly sponsored by the National Endowment for the Arts in a program to increase wilderness literacy through summer stock theatre. Many country mice and bluebirds have never seen a plastic-velveteen bird, neither have they read the word “Sunday” which is printed in plumped up Century Schoolbook  across the frame of Redbird’s bike. Redbird himself is working for free. “I’m doing it for the small, illiterate, rural animals and also for the seasonal ornaments that want to get a little summertime work. The Christmas tree hasn’t raised wages in ten years and it’s tough for them.”

Tiny D of Triple-D Entertainment at home in Chiccopee Falls, 1971, Charlottean staff photo.

The show is produced by Triple-D Entertainment of Holyoke. “Triple-D means what it looks like,” said the owner in a phone interview with the Charlottean, “It’s an entertainment company.” Tiny D (Tiny Dragon) is of unknown origin, but has quickly established herself in the contentious world of seasonal show business. “I created this show because the summer is boring” she continued, “It’s stupid in the storage closet after Christmas. There’s strings of lights half of them burned out, and you have to crawl out anyway when you want any tiny tall-boy beers.” Describing the show she said “I just make stuff up and these unemployed holiday ornaments sing a little song and we got a show.”

When asked about the performance schedule for Sunshine Butterfly Ms. D replied “There ain’t no schedule. Either you’re lucky or you’re not, but I got most of the Saint James Avenue Holiday Tree ornaments signed on until Labor Day. It’s insane. So, if you’re lucky  I think you’re gonna be pretty lucky.”