Fantasy Figurines Allege Fraud

Roberta Busenberg and Man-Wizard whine from the top of Bray Tower on Mt Tom which stands in myst between Easthampton and Holyoke, Massachusetts.

EASTHAMPTON — Two figurines are claiming that Tiny Dragon is a fake. Roberta Busenberg and Man-Wizard announced that “Tiny so-called Dragon is not a regulation table-top miniature!” For three hours the two screamed into a breeze and flapped air quotes with their fingers while a group of local raptors circled the tower.

“I have been in fantasy-reality since 1977” said Busenberg, “and I have never seen this so-called dragon until last week.”

Man-Wizard added “She is not an authentic table-top miniature, and she is not a dragon. She may be a counterfeit gryphon. Her wings are not normal.”

“Forget normal” chucked Busenberg, “her entire assembly is ugly. Plus, she is not made of natural metal.” The man-wizard explained “She is made from a material we call plastic which burns to a foul cinder. She could not light tobacco, much less be a dragon. We are calling upon the entire gaming world from the top of this high, vapour enveloped tower.”

The World, as it is laid from Bray Tower to the West.
Busenberg and Man-Wizard climb Bray Tower.

Busenberg and Man-Wizard are vintage table-top gaming figurines. They are cast of an imprecise lead alloy and sculpted in the imprecise and archaic scale of 1:72ish which allows one meager inch for a five to seven foot tall magic man. They live by the harsh conventions of table-top war games in which every New-English garden is a tableaux of combat and carnage.

“We are made of lead” explained Man-Wizard, “If hit very hard we may change the shape of our leaden skull, but more so we are very, very dense. We  resist change at all costs and intend to win everything.”

Within hours Tiny D held a press conference on the disco mezzanine of her BMX training facility. “Sure, I know her,” she replied when asked about Busenberg.

Tiny D speaks with reporters while Redbird works out.

“Do you know what’s lead poisoning? Busenberg’s entire brain is lead. Have you tried to call her? Half her reception is always blocked. Also, she’s got so much bismuth and tin that two hundred degrees will toast her marshmallow, and I’m talking Fahrenheit. She can’t make a muffin. Same goes for that son-of-a-bullet wizard.”

As Tiny D spoke, the celebrity-ornament Redbird was practicing in the background, riding in fast circles. He is featured in the new roadshow, Butterfly Wheels.

“If they want to believe I’m some kind of vinyl” continued Tiny D, “then they are welcome to come and roll a couple of dodecahedral dice in my front yard and find out what is hi-temperature silicone.

“Don’t think this is bad lipstick all over my face, because you would be sorry because it’s fire and blood.”

And hey, regarding if am I a gryphon, who says I’m 1:72ish scale? I am not 1:72ish scale. I am two millimeter scale which makes my beer can alone equal to eight feet tall. I stand twenty-two feet when you punch the numbers and I’m pretty sure that’s a dragon. Again, my yard is open if they want to find out.”

Tiny D was asked why her wings are not normal, as previously observed by Busenberg’s Man-Wizard. “Don’t think this is bad lipstick all over my face” she calmly replied, “because you would be sorry because it’s fire and blood.”

Redbird practices fast circles on his Sunday bike. He stars in the new road show Butterfly Wheels.

Redbird cruised up to the disco mezzanine. “Did you know,” he asked, “that miniature models make sapience possible? It takes a handful of worlds to really make it happen. I can’t explain it. I just work from magical show to magical show.”

“Yeah” added Tiny D, “I exactly just said what he’s telling you — fire and blood.”

Note: At press time Busenberg was pressing west on Route 141 towards Nashuannuck Pond and Cottage Street. Security for Butterfly Wheels has not been increased, not even a tiny bit.

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Squilton Howell III

Squilton Howell III is a professional squirrel and manages all things squirrel for 0.001% famous artist Theo Fadel.

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