7.5 Billion People Invited to Party in Five Foot Wide Gallery
TURNERS FALLS, MA — The entire world has been invited to Nina’s Nook, operated by gallerista Nina Rossi in the village of Turners Falls, Massachusetts. Prints and small carvings by 0.001% famous artist Theo Fadel will be for sale through August 8. The Nook is five feet wide.
“There’s tonnes of space” said Tiny Dragon, a 2mm scale figurine previously featured in the Charlottean. Known as Tiny D, she is Fadel’s manager. “This used to be a hot peanut shack. It holds sixteen thousand and eight hundred short tons of peanuts. Off the top of my head, that’s twenty-four million a hundred ninety-two thousand individual naked peanuts, and change. That’s a lot of peanuts, so I don’t think it’s gonna be too crowded. I think even some walnuts could fit. I ain’t even included the alley garden out back which has no roof, so sky’s the limit. Seven and a half billion goes into sky’s-the-limit real easy because of the magic of outer space.”
“I love Turners Falls” added Redbird, a celebrity holiday ornament from Holyoke, Massachusetts who is also managed by Tiny D. “Just yesterday I went swimming with friends in the fish ladder, and tomorrow we’re going over the falls in twelve ounce coffee cups. It’s just grand!”
Nina’s Nook is a true gallery. Architecturally speaking it is half room, half hallway and belongs to the same building typology as the Guggenheim Museum in New York City as well as the Grande Gallerie of the Louvre in Paris, France. The Nook, like the Louvre, transforms an old corridor into brilliant exhibition space.
Indeed, the Nook gallery was a twentieth century alley shoppe selling roasted peanuts. Later it was the bottle depository of a candy store. Comparably, the Louvre was a twelfth century fortress. It later served as an art laden palace and artistes’ dormitory before its conversion during the French Revolution to a public exhibitorium. Details and timelines of both buildings are available on their websites.
“Nina Rossi has done something immeasurably special with this alleyway. She’s an artist and poet herself” commented Redbird. “Up here, near the Vermont border, the Connecticut River is not so wide as when it reaches the Atlantic Ocean.”
“Speaking of which,” interrupted Tiny D, “did you know that back in the day Rossi operated a fish winch on the P-town docks?”
“I did” continued Redbird, “and the reason why is that the wine-dark sea is everywhere available to whomever will brave it.”
Nina’s Nook is located at 125A, Avenue A in Turners Falls, Massachusetts. The hours are here. The mini show of work by Theo Fadel, imperfect people, runs from July 1 through August 8. The entire world is invited to a reception July 8, 4 to 7pm. The Gallerie is closed July 4.
Small Frog Parades Holiday Lantern Through Garbage
Western Massachusetts — A small frog dressed in a golden crown has been sighted skipping through local landfills swinging a tiny paper lantern at the end of an old bamboo skewer. “Light belongs to everyone who sees it. Every single person owns the chance to see it” she explained. “That’s pretty much it.”
Dilettante sounds alarm on Dickinson #754
Amherst, MA — Has Emily Dickinson been the victim of a grand literary negligence? A local hobbiest in Dickinsonian studies is claiming that poem #754 “My Life had stood — A Loaded Gun –” has been misquoted in the literary record for eighty-seven years due in part to a loss of freely available laudanum in pre-war London.
“Look at the poet’s original manuscript,” squealed 0.001% famous artist Theo Fadel through a megaphone outside the Emily Dickinson Museum while waving a facsimile of the poet’s original draft. “It’s My LIVE! Come on! Quit saying It’s My LIFE, which is a Bon Jovi song — Doesn’t anyone know the difference?” Ms. Fadel acknowledges that a real academic may have already noticed, somewhere, but being an amatuer herself, how should she know? She does know that no one has come around to fix her books.
The original manuscript actually does say “Live” and not “Life.” The word live was exchangeable with the word life, archaically. A docent edging his head from a museum shop window suggested to Ms. Fadel that the original editor of 1929 believed she had tweaked the poem into modern English. Throwing a handful of hemlock cones the amateur scholar snapped through her megaphone, “How do you people get these jobs? Emily Dickinson IS modern English. What’s to tweak?”
A yard squirrel spitting mary-gold petals from its mouth spun on its heel to add, “And live has everything to do with a loaded gun. Why would she NOT use a word that means explosive as well as life when describing the position of life force between the material mechanicals of this world and an ultimate reconciliation with eternity? Why not?”
“I suppose,” ventured the docent, “that the v of live enables a phonetic gesture towards the word love what with Loaded directly beneath supplying the ohhh sound and tons of her poems bind the measures of living life and love.”
A cyclist illegally speeding across the museum grounds hit an exposed oak root and shot over his handlebars onto a small pile of gravel and loose teeth. Raising a bloodied face he smiled, “Love, even Harold Bloom knows that when Emily uses the word Master she’s invoking a geometry of Romantic Love, in one or another reality.” The cyclist refers to lines 13 through 16:
“And when at Night — Our good Day done–/ I guard My Master’s Head–/ ‘Tis better than the Eider-Duck’s/ Deep Pillow– to have shared–”
“Enough!” shouted Ms. Fadel. “Okay, so some publishing people made a mistake in 1929, in Londonia. Between the banning of Lady Chatterley’s Lover and The House at Pooh Corner, people were fagged out. Minds were blown. Understand? And has anybody yet recovered from the loss of unregulated laudanum? We can forgive the reckless disregard of one of the greatest poets of the English language, but for the love of God after 87 years of misprint after misprint could we just fix it?!”
Ms. Fadel is drafting a bill for the US Senate that would mandate the US Postal Service to print millions of adhesive backed v’s in a variety of fonts and ship them worldwide to all owners of print copies of poem #754. “I’m also asking for millions of O‘s,” she added, “because a yard squirrel who knew Monique Wittig has just pointed out a problem in line 10 where a capital O has been disfigured into a U.”
Read a transcription of “My Live had stood” here.
Princess Leia Wagon Wheels Finally Explained
UPSTAIRS COLLEGE — Local researchers have discovered that Princess Leia’s iconic cinnamon buns hairdo is modeled on two large holes in the human brain. “The braided wheels are actually a volumetric analogue of the lateral ventricles” explained Dr. Noname (no-Nah-may). “We all have them. They are part of a system that washes the brain with special brain juice — the brain’s bidet. It’s most active when we sleep. This cosmotological analogue boosts it’s performance.”
But how to sleep, or do much of anything, with two party donuts strapped to your head? “Some other person wears them, Carrie Fisher or me, not you” said Dr. Pinky Leiago. “You see them on someone else and unconsciously imagine them on yourself. At a deep level you remember your own lateral ventricles. You feel good about them, not consciously, but the ventricles know you’re thinking about them and they do their job a little better. It’s not unlike a gentleman seeing an F-Dodge-Ram-500 pickup truck and being unconsciously reminded of his organ. Princess Leia Organa’s donuts work in a similar way.”
Upstairs College has submitted a brief on Organa’s Donuts to the Jung Institute in Zürich. “It’s new broken up ground” said Dr. Leiago. “We think Zürich will agree that Organa’s Donuts should be included in the official cannon of Jungian archetypes.”
Local Ghost Accosts Pyrography Instructor at Crafts School
IN THE WOODS — A farmhouse ghost was photographed approaching 0.001% famous pyrography instructor Theo Fadel at a local arts and crafts compound near Williamsburg, Massachusetts late Sunday afternoon. The friendly spirit has been known to staff for years and sighted on numerous occasions. “Her name is Fannie. She lives in the farmhouse” said a former staff member who would not give their name. “A few years ago I stayed overnight in the farmhouse by myself” said Fadel. “It’s a little spooky. I’m pretty sure I heard someone dialing a giant telephone in the basement. I definitely did not open the door.”
Fannie is not usually seen at the dining hall and it is unclear why she was approaching the artist and pointing her finger while holding a bible. “She’s probably lost, eh?” observed a random passing dog walker. “Maybe she’s trying to find that girls’ rock and roll camp down the road” added the random dog. The Institute for the Musical Arts is headquarted in the neighboring town of Goshen and offers comprehensive rock and roll finishing for young ladies . Co-founder June Millington was also a co-founder of the 1970’s rock band “Fanny.”
“The lady with a book in her hand?” said a chipmunk whose family has been living under the dining room porch for over 200 generations. “It’s not a bible she carries. It’s more of a notebook of who’s going to get it, or something like that. Her name is Fannie Clary”
Will Pinewood Gnome make bid for St. Patty’s 10k?
HOLYOKE — Pinewood Gnome is training, seen here at Ashley Reservoir, and could return to compete in the Paper City next year. Pinewood was disqualified in 2014 for attempting to shortcut the race. He was caught by helicopter video running along the shoulder of Interstate 91 between Westfield Road and Cherry Street. Mr. Gnome would make no comment.
The 41st Annual St. Patrick’s Road Race is scheduled for Saturday, March 19, 2016 — the rifle goes off at 1pm sharp.
EXCLUSIVE: Cholmondeley’s Mantrap nearly complete
EASTHAMPTON — The masterwork “Lady Cholmondeley’s Mantrap” shown in this exclusive detail is nearly complete and will be premiered this fall at One Cottage Street in the studio of 0.0001% famous artist Theo Fadel.
Gnome Breaches Nashawannuck Pond
EASTHAMPTON — Early this morning a clay gnome escaped from a high security studio by sliding through a plumbing waste pipe into the One Cottage Street canal. Police believe he is walking along the bottom of Nashawannuck Pond toward the Platinum Pony’s backyard booze deck. Residents of the nearby condominium development are advised to stay inside forever until something else happens.