EASTHAMPTON — An unidentified knight is being rescued from an old piece of poplar in a Cottage Street Studio. “We don’t know how he got in there” said 0.001% famous artist T. Reen Fadel who is working on the rescue “but the piece of wood is shaped kind of like a boat so maybe that has to do with anything.” The knight has a broken nose and is only three feet tall, but according to amateur forensic archaeologist Squilton Howell III “It’s not unusual, people were shorter in the past and almost everyone had a broken nose a thousand years ago.” Sharp pieces of steel are used to shave the wood away from the living knight within. “It’s fused to his skin” said Fadel. “It’s just going to take as long as it takes.”
NEARBY – A tortoiseshell house cat has claimed her own house. Rosie “Lil’ Baby” Fadel filed a notice of default with the Hampden County Raccoon of Deeds last Tuesday while her human guardians were out of town, but there is no auction. The chocolate tortie says she intends to live in the house herself. “We have right of residence” observed one of her human caretakers, “but in the eyes of the law it’s not enough to keep her out of the big bed”.
EASTHAMPTON — Early this morning a clay gnome escaped from a high security studio by sliding through a plumbing waste pipe into the One Cottage Street canal. Police believe he is walking along the bottom of Nashawannuck Pond toward the Platinum Pony’s backyard booze deck. Residents of the nearby condominium development are advised to stay inside forever until something else happens.