UPSTAIRS COLLEGE — Local researchers have discovered that Princess Leia’s iconic cinnamon bun hairdo is modeled on two large holes in the human brain. “The braided wheels are actually a volumetric analogue of the lateral ventricles” explained Dr. Noname (no-Nah-may). “We all have them. They are part of a system that washes the brain with special brain juice — the brain’s bidet. It’s most active when we sleep. This cosmotological analogue boosts it’s performance.”
But how to sleep, or do much of anything, with two party donuts strapped to your head? “Some other person wears them, Carrie Fisher or me, not you” said Dr. Pinky Leiago. “You see them on someone else and unconsciously imagine them on yourself. At a deep level you remember your own lateral ventricles. You feel good about them, not consciously, but the ventricles know you’re thinking about them and they do their job a little better. It’s not unlike a gentleman seeing an F-Dodge-Ram-500 pickup truck and being unconsciously reminded of his organ. Princess Leia Organa’s donuts work in a similar way.”
Upstairs College has submitted a brief on Organa’s Donuts to the Jung Institute in Zürich. “It’s new broken up ground” said Dr. Leiago. “We think Zürich will agree that Organa’s Donuts should be included in the official cannon of Jungian archetypes.”
WILLIAMSBURG — A stunning horde of fine woodcraft was discovered over the weekend. It was well concealed within dusty old chunks of poplar wood at Snow Farm, a craft school nestled in the Ancient Western Massachusetts hill towns. Four fine woodworkers made the discovery, some of whom did not know they were woodworkers until Sunday.
“I’m so happy” remarked one artisan. “It’s a real treasure” said pyrography and woodcrafting guide Theo Fadel, “The Black Forest is so much larger than most people realize. Pockets of it regularly appear at places like Snow Farm where people are hunting for lovely artifacts. The fairy undergrowth often tosses up a lovely horde like this marvelous set of bowls from within its roots . . . just like that.”
The discovery was coincidental to Turn and Burn, Theo Fadel’s introductory workshop on woodturning and pyrography conducted the same weekend at Snow Farm.
IN THE WOODS — A farmhouse ghost was photographed approaching 0.001% famous pyrography instructor Theo Fadel at a local arts and crafts compound near Williamsburg, Massachusetts late Sunday afternoon. The friendly spirit has been known to staff for years and sighted on numerous occasions. “Her name is Fannie. She lives in the farmhouse” said a former staff member who would not give their name. “A few years ago I stayed overnight in the farmhouse by myself” said Fadel. “It’s a little spooky. I’m pretty sure I heard someone dialing a giant telephone in the basement. I definitely did not open the door.”
Fannie is not usually seen at the dining hall and it is unclear why she was approaching the artist and pointing her finger while holding a bible. “She’s probably lost, eh?” observed a random passing dog walker. “Maybe she’s trying to find that girls’ rock and roll camp down the road” added the random dog. The Institute for the Musical Arts is headquarted in the neighboring town of Goshen and offers comprehensive rock and roll finishing for young ladies . Co-founder June Millington was also a co-founder of the 1970’s rock band “Fanny.”
“The lady with a book in her hand?” said a chipmunk whose family has been living under the dining room porch for over 200 generations. “It’s not a bible she carries. It’s more of a notebook of who’s going to get it, or something like that. Her name is Fannie Clary”
Holyoke, MA — A sudden floor show occurred early this morning at the Middle-of-the-Night Club. At 3:30 AM a Mr. Surprise Poet took the mic for a two hour recitation. Midway through a fight broke out between two tortoiseshell cats but went largely unnoticed.
“It helps corral sublimity” the poet later said, “if you hold a flashlight under your chin.”
Magical Forest, MA — It’s Lundi Gras and many are concerned if Kwing Redbird can serve again as King of Ornaments. His recent assault at a yard squirrel party is still under investigation. As of 4pm today St. James Infirmary would not comment on his condition.
In defiance of snow and uncertainty the welcome party has already started. Krewe of Klothespins, a carnival club of wooden clothespin ornaments, left work early to party on the front walk.
“The Kwing!” sang two ornaments in toe deep snow. A small flying ship arrives with the Kwing sometime after dark and the revelry will continue all night until 9am when work starts. Work starts because it’s New England.
“We will not know who is on the Holiday Boat until it floats from the cold night through the open window and into the warm goldenness of St. James Cottage. When it lands on the table to deliver the maple syrup, then we will see . . . we’ll see who’s on the boat” whispered Dr. Windup Chicken-Eggtimer.
Tomorrow The Big Parade starts at 5pm sharp. Pancake and bacon feastivities will continue until midnight tolls the beginning of Lent.
Winter Wonderland — Friend of yard squirrels and popular ornament Redbird was smacked down while partying at a pop up holiday table on the grounds of St. James Cottage. Redbird is in stable condition at a secure location inside the cottage. Celebrated Christmas ornament and close friend Tree Angel was at the scene and rode in the ambulance with the victim. There are unconfirmed reports that Catnip Mouse was also injured in the scuffle.
St. James Cottage is home to SCFB, Redbird’s philoskiouropy that provides food to under-served yard squirrels. Earlier today the organization set up a holiday table to feed and encourage yard squirrels during the snowfall. A large scurry of squirrels was waiting for an appearance by Tree Angel when an unidentified assailant charged and flipped Redbird onto his back yanking his anchor wires out of the pebbled ground. “The holiday table was completely ruined” moaned one honey bear. Upper Pond where the attack occurred is in lock-down at least through rush feeding hours this evening.
St. James Cottage is also home to the House of Tortie, a syndicat of unspecified but active and often ham fisted purpose . The sheriff would not confirm whether any tortoiseshell female cats had also been involved in the attack. An investigation is underway. If you have any information please contact the St. James Sheriff at StJamesSheriff@theofadel.com
Winter Wonderland — Popular Christmas ornament “Redbird” has established a snow-time food table for yard squirrels. Redbird is also the founder of the Small Critter Food Bank (SCFB). On this snowy Friday morning he has set up his table of cheer beside the Upper Pond on the grounds of St. James Cottage.
“I make a good living sitting on the tree every year. I just wanted to share, a little” said Redbird as he squared up some walnuts.
The recent influx of high quality homemade pineapple jam at St. James has resulted in large donations of store bought jams and preserves at SCFB. Toast and walnuts are also on the table.
“My heritage is mostly grouse, duck and petroleum” explains Redbird, “but my mother had a small fur tuft and always bragged that it was grey squirrel. I enjoy the company of squirrels. I admire their work ethic. We’re trying to make a little holiday for them here.”
If you’re making the dash, get there early. Scurries are expected when Tree Angel stops by to make a brief glitter this afternoon.