THE DINING ROOM, MA — HECATE “Queen Maud” of House of Tortie has occupied the main table dressed in a paper dragon suit in a bid for some Chinese New Year. In a written statement the blond tortie queen says “What? Lundi Gras is a second shelf holiday, ridiculous. After I set off some fireworks on the buffet and run around the room in this dragon bag, then you can have your clothespin Lundi Gras. Whatever, nobody knows where bald-ass Redbird is anyway. I love you.” Negotiations are ongoing.
Magical Forest, MA — It’s Lundi Gras and many are concerned if Kwing Redbird can serve again as King of Ornaments. His recent assault at a yard squirrel party is still under investigation. As of 4pm today St. James Infirmary would not comment on his condition.
In defiance of snow and uncertainty the welcome party has already started. Krewe of Klothespins, a carnival club of wooden clothespin ornaments, left work early to party on the front walk.
“The Kwing!” sang two ornaments in toe deep snow. A small flying ship arrives with the Kwing sometime after dark and the revelry will continue all night until 9am when work starts. Work starts because it’s New England.
“We will not know who is on the Holiday Boat until it floats from the cold night through the open window and into the warm goldenness of St. James Cottage. When it lands on the table to deliver the maple syrup, then we will see . . . we’ll see who’s on the boat” whispered Dr. Windup Chicken-Eggtimer.
Tomorrow The Big Parade starts at 5pm sharp. Pancake and bacon feastivities will continue until midnight tolls the beginning of Lent.
Winter Wonderland — Friend of yard squirrels and popular ornament Redbird was smacked down while partying at a pop up holiday table on the grounds of St. James Cottage. Redbird is in stable condition at a secure location inside the cottage. Celebrated Christmas ornament and close friend Tree Angel was at the scene and rode in the ambulance with the victim. There are unconfirmed reports that Catnip Mouse was also injured in the scuffle.
St. James Cottage is home to SCFB, Redbird’s philoskiouropy that provides food to under-served yard squirrels. Earlier today the organization set up a holiday table to feed and encourage yard squirrels during the snowfall. A large scurry of squirrels was waiting for an appearance by Tree Angel when an unidentified assailant charged and flipped Redbird onto his back yanking his anchor wires out of the pebbled ground. “The holiday table was completely ruined” moaned one honey bear. Upper Pond where the attack occurred is in lock-down at least through rush feeding hours this evening.
St. James Cottage is also home to the House of Tortie, a syndicat of unspecified but active and often ham fisted purpose . The sheriff would not confirm whether any tortoiseshell female cats had also been involved in the attack. An investigation is underway. If you have any information please contact the St. James Sheriff at StJamesSheriff@theofadel.com
Winter Wonderland — Popular Christmas ornament “Redbird” has established a snow-time food table for yard squirrels. Redbird is also the founder of the Small Critter Food Bank (SCFB). On this snowy Friday morning he has set up his table of cheer beside the Upper Pond on the grounds of St. James Cottage.
“I make a good living sitting on the tree every year. I just wanted to share, a little” said Redbird as he squared up some walnuts.
The recent influx of high quality homemade pineapple jam at St. James has resulted in large donations of store bought jams and preserves at SCFB. Toast and walnuts are also on the table.
“My heritage is mostly grouse, duck and petroleum” explains Redbird, “but my mother had a small fur tuft and always bragged that it was grey squirrel. I enjoy the company of squirrels. I admire their work ethic. We’re trying to make a little holiday for them here.”
If you’re making the dash, get there early. Scurries are expected when Tree Angel stops by to make a brief glitter this afternoon.
St. James Cottage, Holyoke — On Groundhog Day Theo van Winkle-Fadel awoke to a caustic pineapple burning a hole through her 50% fairy tale kitchen, but quick thinking resulted in pineapple preserves and a potato sack on her head.
“Every New Years Day I take a nap until Ground Hog Day. This year when I dig out the first thing I see is this smoking pineapple. I don’t know where it came from” said Van Winkle-Fadel. She later conceded the fruit may have been purchased during a sleep walking episode to River Valley Coop. “What I do know is that I’ve never seen a piece of fruit with 0% natural sugar and a negative pH.”
Van Winkle-Fadel is certified in ECR (emergency culinary rescue) and moved quickly to make a pot of jam but when she reached for a chef’s hat they were all gone. “How can you jam without a toque?” she asked.
All her culinary head wear had been stolen “by a sock elf.” In a mad scurry to find a solution she espied a mesh bag in the potato bin. “I have the same hat size as a five pound sack of potatoes. That’s what saved me” she boasted smiling.
“It’s a shame” remarked an onlooker, “she had time to get something nice. She didn’t want to spend the money. What’s the cost of a hair net? The arts are a hard knock life — look, even the jam jar is only half full.”
The 21st century — Meet Dr. Robert Fludd aka Robertus Fluctibus, the delightful gazillionth great Uncle of Theo Fadel. A physician and alchemist, in the year 1616 he was the first Englishman to comment on the Rosy Cross publications newly released in Germany. Theo has just illustrated a new edition of one of these, The Chemical Wedding. This did not come to light until after Theo finished the illustrations and she has no idea why Dr. Fluctibus is trying so hard in this image NOT to make the Vulcan sign.
“It’s not so strange,” says Theo “They often throw me a bone like this from the far side. Also, I’m known as a joker, but this one seems to be true. There’s a lot of inbreeding and complex arrangements in European ancestry, but as a child I did have extra fangs growing from the roof of my mouth. That alone confirms . . . a lot of things. And I didn’t make up the book either. Gavin at Small Beer says it’s coming out next year and I believe him.”
After four hundred years Small Beer Press is expected to release John Crowley’s new edition of The Chemical Wedding in 2016 AD.
EASTHAMPTON — A military painting “Battle of Bosworth Field” detailing Richard III’s last battle charge for all English kings in 1485 is under way at One Cottage Street in the studio of 0.0001% Famous Artist Theo Fadel. “Trash talk at the end of the line is, I feel, the essence of that pivotal moment in history.”
HOLYOKE — Pinewood Gnome is training, seen here at Ashley Reservoir, and could return to compete in the Paper City next year. Pinewood was disqualified in 2014 for attempting to shortcut the race. He was caught by helicopter video running along the shoulder of Interstate 91 between Westfield Road and Cherry Street. Mr. Gnome would make no comment.