MICROGNOMIA — Not for Vulcans this region where violet stems are lumber and money grows in tiny magical chamber pots at the ends of garden sprinkler rainbows — until now. T’ikun-tok is the new and first ambassador from the planet Vulcan to MicroGnomia. She is crawling across the region on her hands and knees in a goodwill tour, passing out gourmet fungi while passing the Vulcan Peace. Villagers at first confused have quickly learned to “make the Vee thingy” in hope of a chanterelle tossed their way.
“She rolled me a white truffle the size of my head” exclaimed Seamus O’Sark whose last name means “honorable beetle” in Vulcan. “I can curl my tongue too! But she dinna give me anything for it.”
The Vulcans long ago gave up their elving ways and can neither mine nor manufacture humor and cuteness. “It’s impossible to create successful ad campaigns for useless kitchen appliances and unnecessary medications without something cute and maybe funny” explained Spockton Hulala, a Vulcan trader now based in Carbon Creek, Pennsylvania. Vulcan is one of the Milky Way’s largest manufacturers of single cup coffee makers and repositioned pharmaceuticals, neither of which can be sold to Humans without the use of hypnosis. Industry experts have long warned that without a reliable source of buffoonium the Vulcan economy will collapse.
Buffoonium is an inexplicable element used in hypnotic constructions. It saturates the ground in all of MicroGnomia. “Every citizen of MicroGnomia is a miniature buffoonium mine” quiped Ambassador T’ikun-tok, “We want to be friends.”
“Is this a sincere overture to law abiding trade, or is it the start o’ an invasion?” shouted a small figure in a fancy jacket atop a tall, swaying tower of twigs.
O’Sark lightly scraped a tooth across his truffle then paused. “She’s an awfully big boned lass” he ventured as the Vulcan ambassador moved along down the tiny highway, “but look how she’s got the ears of an angel.”
EASTHAMPTON — A military painting “Battle of Bosworth Field” detailing Richard III’s last battle charge for all English kings in 1485 is under way at One Cottage Street in the studio of 0.0001% Famous Artist Theo Fadel. “Trash talk at the end of the line is, I feel, the essence of that pivotal moment in history. ”
HOLYOKE — Pinewood Gnome is training, seen here at Ashley Reservoir, and could return to compete in the Paper City next year. Pinewood was disqualified in 2014 for attempting to shortcut the race. He was caught by helicopter video running along the shoulder of Interstate 91 between Westfield Road and Cherry Street. Mr. Gnome would make no comment.
EASTHAMPTON — The masterwork “Lady Cholmondeley’s Mantrap” shown in this exclusive detail is nearly complete and will be premiered this fall at One Cottage Street in the studio of 0.0001% famous artist Theo Fadel.
EASTHAMPTON — An unidentified knight is being rescued from an old piece of poplar in a Cottage Street Studio. “We don’t know how he got in there” said 0.001% famous artist T. Reen Fadel who is working on the rescue “but the piece of wood is shaped kind of like a boat so maybe that has to do with anything.” The knight has a broken nose and is only three feet tall, but according to amateur forensic archaeologist Squilton Howell III “It’s not unusual, people were shorter in the past and almost everyone had a broken nose a thousand years ago.” Sharp pieces of steel are used to shave the wood away from the living knight within. “It’s fused to his skin” said Fadel. “It’s just going to take as long as it takes.”
EASTHAMPTON — Early this morning a clay gnome escaped from a high security studio by sliding through a plumbing waste pipe into the One Cottage Street canal. Police believe he is walking along the bottom of Nashawannuck Pond toward the Platinum Pony’s backyard booze deck. Residents of the nearby condominium development are advised to stay inside forever until something else happens.