MICROGNOMIA — Not for Vulcans this region where violet stems are lumber and money grows in tiny magical chamber pots at the ends of garden sprinkler rainbows — until now. T’ikun-tok is the new and first ambassador from the planet Vulcan to MicroGnomia. She is crawling across the region on her hands and knees in a goodwill tour, passing out gourmet fungi while passing the Vulcan Peace. Villagers at first confused have quickly learned to “make the Vee thingy” in hope of a chanterelle tossed their way.
“She rolled me a white truffle the size of my head” exclaimed Seamus O’Sark whose last name means “honorable beetle” in Vulcan. “I can curl my tongue too! But she dinna give me anything for it.”
The Vulcans long ago gave up their elving ways and can neither mine nor manufacture humor and cuteness. “It’s impossible to create successful ad campaigns for useless kitchen appliances and unnecessary medications without something cute and maybe funny” explained Spockton Hulala, a Vulcan trader now based in Carbon Creek, Pennsylvania. Vulcan is one of the Milky Way’s largest manufacturers of single cup coffee makers and repositioned pharmaceuticals, neither of which can be sold to Humans without the use of hypnosis. Industry experts have long warned that without a reliable source of buffoonium the Vulcan economy will collapse.
Buffoonium is an inexplicable element used in hypnotic constructions. It saturates the ground in all of MicroGnomia. “Every citizen of MicroGnomia is a miniature buffoonium mine” quiped Ambassador T’ikun-tok, “We want to be friends.”
“Is this a sincere overture to law abiding trade, or is it the start o’ an invasion?” shouted a small figure in a fancy jacket atop a tall, swaying tower of twigs.
O’Sark lightly scraped a tooth across his truffle then paused. “She’s an awfully big boned lass” he ventured as the Vulcan ambassador moved along down the tiny highway, “but look how she’s got the ears of an angel.”
ST. JAMES COTTAGE, HOLYOKE — On Groundhog Day Theo van Winkle-Fadel awoke to a caustic pineapple burning a hole through her 50% fairy tale kitchen, but quick thinking resulted in pineapple preserves and a potato sack on her head.
“Every New Years Day I take a nap until Ground Hog Day. This year when I dig out the first thing I see is this smoking pineapple. I don’t know where it came from” said Van Winkle-Fadel. She later conceded the fruit may have been purchased during a sleep walking episode to River Valley Coop. “What I do know is that I’ve never seen a piece of fruit with 0% natural sugar and a negative pH.”
Van Winkle-Fadel is certified in ECR (emergency culinary rescue) and moved quickly to make a pot of jam but when she reached for a chef’s hat they were all gone. “How can you jam without a toque?” she asked.
All her culinary head wear had been stolen “by a sock elf.” In a mad scurry to find a solution she espied a mesh bag in the potato bin. “I have the same hat size as a five pound sack of potatoes. That’s what saved me” she boasted smiling.
“It’s a shame” remarked an onlooker, “she had time to get something nice. She didn’t want to spend the money. What’s the cost of a hair net? The arts are a hard knock life — look, even the jam jar is only half full.”
HOLYOKE — Pinewood Gnome is training, seen here at Ashley Reservoir, and could return to compete in the Paper City next year. Pinewood was disqualified in 2014 for attempting to shortcut the race. He was caught by helicopter video running along the shoulder of Interstate 91 between Westfield Road and Cherry Street. Mr. Gnome would make no comment.
EASTHAMPTON — Early this morning a clay gnome escaped from a high security studio by sliding through a plumbing waste pipe into the One Cottage Street canal. Police believe he is walking along the bottom of Nashawannuck Pond toward the Platinum Pony’s backyard booze deck. Residents of the nearby condominium development are advised to stay inside forever until something else happens.