Holyoke — A fancy ghost was attacked early this morning by a mob of miniature pumpkin gourd people. “I am completely unscathed” said Fancy Ghost “because I’m a hundred precent neutrinos. I wouldn’t have noticed they were hacking at me except you came over and told me. I was too busy fancy-dancing”.
It is unclear why the crowd became hostile. “Don’t like it!” howled one miniature-pumpkin-head. Another slowly swang a cocktail fork while glaring at the happy Ghost.
“These are gourd people, Gordians,” explained the popular Christmas ornament Redbird. “Fast footwork confuses and frightens them. They have only a thin layer of wax to protect against rot and fading and they rarely avoid the compost pile for more than one season. They live on what they can make at Halloween. No one hires them at Thanksgiving.”
“Showboat!” someone shouted, throwing a handful of wet seeds at, through the ghost.
“Fancy Ghosts have easy lives” continued Redbird, “They never rot and they get all the work they want from Halloween through Dicken’s Christmas.”
The ghost had resumed dancing. “I’m just trying to be seen!” it cheerfully said to the crowd, “That’s what ghosts do!”
“Would it kill it to look at someone else?” muttered Redbird, “It’s already a ghost.”
At press time the ghost was still dancing and the crowd still trying to punish it with toothpicks and pickle forks. Nothing is expected to change anytime soon.
Winter Wonderland — Friend of yard squirrels and popular ornament Redbird was smacked down while partying at a pop up holiday table on the grounds of St. James Cottage. Redbird is in stable condition at a secure location inside the cottage. Celebrated Christmas ornament and close friend Tree Angel was at the scene and rode in the ambulance with the victim. There are unconfirmed reports that Catnip Mouse was also injured in the scuffle.
St. James Cottage is home to SCFB, Redbird’s philoskiouropy that provides food to under-served yard squirrels. Earlier today the organization set up a holiday table to feed and encourage yard squirrels during the snowfall. A large scurry of squirrels was waiting for an appearance by Tree Angel when an unidentified assailant charged and flipped Redbird onto his back yanking his anchor wires out of the pebbled ground. “The holiday table was completely ruined” moaned one honey bear. Upper Pond where the attack occurred is in lock-down at least through rush feeding hours this evening.
St. James Cottage is also home to the House of Tortie, a syndicat of unspecified but active and often ham fisted purpose . The sheriff would not confirm whether any tortoiseshell female cats had also been involved in the attack. An investigation is underway. If you have any information please contact the St. James Sheriff at StJamesSheriff@theofadel.com
St. James Cottage, Holyoke — On Groundhog Day Theo van Winkle-Fadel awoke to a caustic pineapple burning a hole through her 50% fairy tale kitchen, but quick thinking resulted in pineapple preserves and a potato sack on her head.
“Every New Years Day I take a nap until Ground Hog Day. This year when I dig out the first thing I see is this smoking pineapple. I don’t know where it came from” said Van Winkle-Fadel. She later conceded the fruit may have been purchased during a sleep walking episode to River Valley Coop. “What I do know is that I’ve never seen a piece of fruit with 0% natural sugar and a negative pH.”
Van Winkle-Fadel is certified in ECR (emergency culinary rescue) and moved quickly to make a pot of jam but when she reached for a chef’s hat they were all gone. “How can you jam without a toque?” she asked.
All her culinary head wear had been stolen “by a sock elf.” In a mad scurry to find a solution she espied a mesh bag in the potato bin. “I have the same hat size as a five pound sack of potatoes. That’s what saved me” she boasted smiling.
“It’s a shame” remarked an onlooker, “she had time to get something nice. She didn’t want to spend the money. What’s the cost of a hair net? The arts are a hard knock life — look, even the jam jar is only half full.”
EASTHAMPTON — A military painting “Battle of Bosworth Field” detailing Richard III’s last battle charge for all English kings in 1485 is under way at One Cottage Street in the studio of 0.0001% Famous Artist Theo Fadel. “Trash talk at the end of the line is, I feel, the essence of that pivotal moment in history.”
HOLYOKE — Pinewood Gnome is training, seen here at Ashley Reservoir, and could return to compete in the Paper City next year. Pinewood was disqualified in 2014 for attempting to shortcut the race. He was caught by helicopter video running along the shoulder of Interstate 91 between Westfield Road and Cherry Street. Mr. Gnome would make no comment.