Fancy Ghost Beaten to No Avail by Madding Crowd

showboatHolyoke — A fancy ghost was attacked early this morning  by a mob of miniature pumpkin gourd people. “I am completely unscathed” said Fancy Ghost “because I’m a hundred precent neutrinos. I wouldn’t have noticed they were hacking at me except you came over and told me. I was too busy fancy-dancing”.

It is unclear why the crowd became hostile. “Don’t like it!” howled one miniature-pumpkin-head. Another slowly swang a cocktail fork while glaring at the happy Ghost.

redbirdTableWPolice
Redbird, file photo

“These are gourd people, Gordians,” explained the popular Christmas ornament Redbird. “Fast footwork confuses and frightens them. They have only a thin layer of wax to protect against rot and fading and they rarely avoid the compost pile for more than one season. They live on what they can make at Halloween. No one hires them at Thanksgiving.”

“Showboat!” someone shouted, throwing a handful of wet seeds at, through the ghost.

“Fancy Ghosts have easy lives” continued Redbird, “They never rot and they get all the work they want from Halloween through Dicken’s Christmas.”

The ghost had resumed dancing. “I’m just trying to be seen!” it cheerfully said to the crowd, “That’s what ghosts do!”

“Would it kill it to look at someone else?” muttered Redbird, “It’s already a ghost.”

At press time the ghost was still dancing and the crowd still trying to punish it with toothpicks and pickle forks. Nothing is expected to change anytime soon.

 

HECATE takes control of dining table from Lundi Gras clubs, Cites Chinese New Year

THE DINING ROOM, MA — HECATE “Queen Maud” of House of Tortie has occupied the main table dressed in a paper dragon suit in a bid for some Chinese New Year.  In a written statement the blond tortie queen says “What? Lundi Gras is a second shelf holiday, ridiculous. After I set off some fireworks on the buffet and run around the room in this dragon bag, then you can have your clothespin Lundi Gras. Whatever, nobody knows where bald-ass Redbird is anyway. I love you.”  Negotiations are ongoing.

 

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Will the St. James Carnival have a King this year?

LundiGrasStJamesMagical Forest, MA — It’s Lundi Gras and many are concerned if Kwing Redbird can serve again as King of Ornaments. His recent assault at a  yard squirrel party is still under investigation. As of 4pm today St. James Infirmary would not comment on his condition.

In defiance of snow and uncertainty the welcome party has already started.  Krewe of Klothespins, a carnival club of wooden clothespin ornaments, left work early to party on the front walk.

“The Kwing!” sang two ornaments in toe deep snow.  A small flying ship arrives with the Kwing sometime after dark and the revelry will continue all night until 9am when work starts. Work starts because it’s New England.

“We will not know who is on the Holiday Boat until it floats from the cold night through the open window and into the warm goldenness of St. James Cottage. When it lands on the table to deliver the maple syrup, then we will see  . . . we’ll see who’s on the boat” whispered Dr. Windup Chicken-Eggtimer.

Tomorrow The Big Parade starts at 5pm sharp. Pancake and bacon feastivities will continue until midnight tolls the beginning of Lent.

 

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Popular Tree Ornament and Local Do-Gooder ATTACKED — Assailant at Large!

redbirdTableWPolice
If you recognize this person please contact the St. James Sheriff.

Winter Wonderland — Friend of yard squirrels and popular ornament Redbird was smacked down while partying at a pop up holiday table on the grounds of St. James Cottage. Redbird is in stable condition at a secure location inside the cottage.  Celebrated Christmas ornament and close friend Tree Angel was at the scene and rode in the ambulance with the victim. There are unconfirmed reports that Catnip Mouse was also injured in the scuffle.

  • Redbird after attack at St. James.
  • Redbird at hospital with friends and medical staff.

St. James Cottage is home to SCFB, Redbird’s  philoskiouropy that provides food to under-served yard squirrels. Earlier today the organization set up a holiday table to feed and encourage yard squirrels during the snowfall.  A large scurry of squirrels was waiting for an appearance by Tree Angel when an unidentified assailant charged and flipped Redbird onto his back yanking his anchor wires out of the pebbled ground. “The holiday table was completely ruined” moaned one honey bear.  Upper Pond where the attack occurred is in lock-down at least through rush feeding hours this evening.

St. James Cottage is also home to the House of Tortie, a syndicat of unspecified but active and often ham fisted purpose .  The sheriff would not confirm whether any tortoiseshell female cats had also been involved in the attack.  An investigation is underway.  If you have any information please contact the St. James Sheriff at StJamesSheriff@theofadel.com

 

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Redbird Pays It Forward

Winter Wonderland — Popular Christmas ornament “Redbird” has established a snow-time food table for yard squirrels.  Redbird is also the founder of the Small Critter Food Bank (SCFB). On this snowy Friday morning he has set up his table of cheer beside the Upper Pond on the grounds of St. James Cottage.

“I make a good living sitting on the tree every year.  I just wanted to share, a little” said Redbird as he squared up some walnuts.

The recent influx of high quality homemade pineapple jam at St. James has resulted in large donations of store bought jams and preserves at SCFB.  Toast and walnuts are also on the table.

Why squirrels?

“My heritage  is mostly grouse, duck and petroleum” explains Redbird, “but  my mother had a small fur tuft and always bragged that it was grey squirrel.  I enjoy the company of squirrels. I admire their work ethic.  We’re trying to make a little holiday for them here.”

If you’re making the dash, get there early.  Scurries are expected when Tree Angel stops by to make a brief glitter this afternoon.

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